So your kid has this ADORABLE thing that they do. You're around your family or friends and ask your kid to do it. They don't want to do it. You bribe them. You bribe them a little more. They finally do it. "Awwww"s all around. Adorable right? Right?
I'm thinking no.
Relationship breeds intimacy. Your kid does that adorable thing because they spend time with you; they are comfortable with you so their personality and sense of humor show up organically.
It may come from a place of pride to "show off" what your kid knows or can do, but it is important to think about how those moments can make them feel. Imagine how a child feels around people they do not know, being demanded of to perform - in that instant, they are being treated like an object instead of being treated like a person. This is not the model of respect that they need to see from us. I often think of this quote:
They may forget what
you said — but they will never forget how you made them feel.
—Carl W. Buehner
We teach our kids how to treat others, and it begins by us modeling that behavior in how we treat them.
How do you feel when your boss treats you like a show dog and wants you to jump, or sit or stay? If you don’t appreciate being put on display in that way, why would you do that to your kid? If your kid is not putting their talent out there, it should make you think twice before you do it for them.
Don't steamroll your
kid to indulge your pride.
I want my kids to be independent, and astute enough to figure out who they can trust and who they can be themselves around. So I do not ask them to show off because doing so takes away the exact opportunities that they need to develop those abilities.
I think my kids are awesome. I want everyone to know how awesome they are. When they feel comfortable, they can show the world just how awesome they really are. Until then, it is just fine for it to be between us. They'll know that mom can be trusted to make them feel safe.
Likewise, I've started not to care if they don't want to smile or pose for a made-up moment to capture on camera. When they spend time with us, friends or family there will be plenty of candid moments of them and I do not want to get hung up on getting the "perfect" photo by bribing them or anything like that.
Who is a perfectly
posed photo of my kid for anyway?
If the photo is for me, I do not want to look at the photo and think of the lollipop bribe that I had to give to get them to smile. I want to remember that my kids were living in the moment and just being kids - innocent, wild, curious and full of joy. If the photo is for others (i.e. social media), I definitely need to reevaluate my priorities.
It is not my job to
create good photos, it is my job to create good people.
Maybe she was smiling
here, who knows.
So they may not show off what they know, and they might not smile perfectly in every photo and you know what, that is just fine by me.
The joy of knowing
who they are and what they are capable of will be seen without prompting
by people who spend time with them.
Bottom
line:
I care more about my kids than what people think about my kids.
Maybe I'll feel differently about this later, but for now, this is what I have been chewing on,
D&H
P.S. I value teaching kids manners, including the good breeding to be able to introduce themselves and converse with anyone, but I think that is a separate issue.
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