"Your Love Defends Me"

At the beginning of the year as I was praying for my family the song "Your love defends me" by Matt Maher kept playing in my head.

Quick rewind: I was not praying for my family because I'm holy.  I was praying for them because I'm a bit of a control freak.   

How so?  Well, I want my kids to be safe because I protect them. I want my marriage to be good because I work at it.  I want my family to be cared for because I do it.  But that isn't how life works and God operates, is it?  Life happens. Shit happens!  God is working regardless.

On some level, I recognize that I am not in control of all those things, so I repine for a bit, then I pray.  Super holy, I know.   So there I was, praying for more control, and hearing the words "your love defends me", when suddenly it was right in front of me, moments when I looked back and saw that God had defended me, defended my kids, my marriage...my family.

I didn't know what to do with that. I want to be loved because I am worthy.  I want things to work because I put in the work. 

But nope, there I was, a person that can't ask for help from anyone, realizing what God was doing for me, without me even so much as asking.  

Even when I didn't even see it at the time, and even when I was bullheaded enough to think I did it.  He was my defender.

What can I do with that?  

I think what I am supposed to do is give God what is His already.  The burdens on us caregivers and providers are heavy, and at times it can be difficult to see through the challenges we face to not only recognize that it is beyond our control but recognize who does and should have the control.  As they say, let go and let God.   

He has been and still is defending us.  

What I can do is trust His plan, have faith in what He is doing and embrace the joyful things that he put in my life. 

I encourage you to stop today and think about how God has defended you.  Have a moment of joy recognizing that the person who knows you best, loves you the most.  You're not in control, but rejoice, because the person who is in control infinitely loves and defends you.  

Oh joy!
~D&H

   

Parenting One-Liners: On Manners

I'm always looking to expand my "parenting one-liners" vocabulary and as we are working on manners with my three year old, this has been my go-to for when she asks for something without being polite. 

"Is there a better way you could ask me that?"

I like it because it is open-ended, not demanding and it doesn't just force a quick "please" out of her but rather prompts her to politely rephrase her question.

Would love your comments below if you have any one-liners that help teach manners to your little ones!
~D&H

In my weakness...

He is strong.  

2 Corinthians 12:9-11  (NIV)

⁹ But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. ¹⁰ That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Galatians 6:9 (NIV)

⁹ Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

Isaiah 41:10  (NIV)

¹⁰ So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Romans 5:2-4 (NIV)

² through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we^[a] boast in the hope of the glory of God. ³ Not only so, but we^[b] also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; ⁴ perseverance, character; and character, hope.

  

Maternity Halloween Costume Idea: Fortune Teller & Crystal Ball

Last year I had SO much fun incorporating my baby bump into my Halloween costume! 

I thought of this Fortune Teller Halloween costume idea, (embarrassingly enough) found ALL but one of the pieces for this costume in my closet! The one thing I bought was this belly paint, a half hour before our party my husband went to work painting on my "crystal ball" (#glamsquad) and then I covered it with glitter...totally MAGICAL!  

This is by far my favorite costume that I have EVER worn, ever.  Being pregnant is such a miracle and although having my belly LOUD and OUT is so different for how conservatively I typically dress, I just had too much fun with this idea and love that I got to include my big 'ol baby bump! 

If you're rocking the bump when Halloween rolls around, I hope you take the opportunity to find a creative way to celebrate your little miracle!  Also, share pics if you use this idea or have other ideas, I would love, love, LOVE to see them!

Happy Halloween! 
~D&H

Five Lessons Learned About Elder Care

A while back I had read somewhere about the sandwich generation, those of us who are raising kids while taking care of aging parents.  It is a uniquely challenging group to be a part of and if you are new to this group - welcome, grab some coffee...you're going to need it!  

Below is a list of five lessons we have learned about elder care while taking care of my mother-in-law.    

___________  

     
1. Recognize the tug-of-war between their independence & safety. 
Most issues boil down to this simple (but not easy) battle. They want independence, you want them to be safe.  

Often just recognizing the battle you are dealing with makes it easier to navigate.  

2. Ask people that have done it. 
We are lucky to have several older friends who have or are caring for an aging relative.  Bouncing our questions and concerns off of them, everything from Medicare questions to tactics for dealing with memory issues, we have learned the most from people that have been through it.    

3. Delegate.
When the meals, appointment scheduling and transportation, basic necessities & social calendar rely on you, it can be daunting.  

We delegate in two ways, the first is just between me and my husband.  He is great with finances so he handles everything related to money while I handle the other tasks.  The second way we delegate is using hired services.  Below are a few notes on each.  

• Daily needs:  Prior to moving her up here we used the Visiting Angels to help take care of her daily needs, the cost was covered by a long-term health care insurance that she had, which for her ended up being well worth the cost of the insurance.  The angel turnover was very high at Visiting Angels, so we found that we had to make clear task lists for each day they were at the house and maintain good communication with the local office.  Although she lived with us for a while, she now lives on her own in a senior living apartment where they handle meals, laundry and an active social calendar, this change has been great for her (and me).  
• Transportation: Ride sharing services for the elderly have been the most cost effective way to go (literally) and some even provide door-to-door service (i.e. walk them into the doctor's office).  Some companies allow you to maintain a tab that can be paid monthly, other companies require cash on the spot.
• Financial:  My husband manages her finances due to her memory issues, he pays all of her bills and she uses a debit card that he can transfer money to (through the app on his phone) for any purchases she needs to make.  This gives all of us peace that her bills are paid, gives her the freedom to buy the extra things she wants while still knowing her finances are secure (sounds a little like the independence vs safety battle eh?).
• Know People, Make Sure They Know You:  Whether it is the pharmacist or the front desk at a doctor's office, it will come in handy to have rapport with the gatekeeper's for your loved one's health and safety.                                                                                                                                                 

4. Set boundaries by setting and sticking to a schedule.
We set aside a specific day for organizing her medicine and bringing over items she wanted/needed throughout the week.  We also have specific days where we do things as a family; this manages expectations & provides consistency (for the kiddos & grandparents).   

5. Have grace.
In a perfect world this wouldn't happen, or if it did there would be unlimited time, knowledge and resources to handle each situation as it arises.  Having grace towards your spouse, your aging family member and even yourself is crucial to not losing your mind.  

Everyone handles loss (yes, this is a form of loss) differently, so be gracious even when it isn't easy.
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I sincerely hope this list is helpful for you.  

Even on the worst days, we are all just doing our best. 
D&H 

On Not Treating Kids Like A Party Trick

[Estimated Blog Post Reading Time ~4 Minutes]

So your kid has this ADORABLE thing that they do. You're around your family or friends and ask your kid to do it.  They don't want to do it. You bribe them. You bribe them a little more. They finally do it. "Awwww"s all around. Adorable right? Right?

I'm thinking no.

Relationship breeds intimacy. Your kid does that adorable thing because they spend time with you; they are comfortable with you so their personality and sense of humor show up organically. 

It may come from a place of pride to "show off" what your kid knows or can do, but it is important to think about how those moments can make them feel.  Imagine how a child feels around people they do not know, being demanded of to perform - in that instant, they are being treated like an object instead of being treated like a person.  This is not the model of respect that they need to see from us.  I often think of this quote: 

They may forget what you said — but they will never forget how you made them feel.

—Carl W. Buehner

We teach our kids how to treat others, and it begins by us modeling that behavior in how we treat them.  

How do you feel when your boss treats you like a show dog and wants you to jump, or sit or stay?   If you don’t appreciate being put on display in that way, why would you do that to your kid?  If your kid is not putting their talent out there, it should make you think twice before you do it for them.    

Don't steamroll your kid to indulge your pride. 

I want my kids to be independent, and astute enough to figure out who they can trust and who they can be themselves around.  So I do not ask them to show off because doing so takes away the exact opportunities that they need to develop those abilities. 

I think my kids are awesome.  I want everyone to know how awesome they are.  When they feel comfortable, they can show the world just how awesome they really are.  Until then, it is just fine for it to be between us.  They'll know that mom can be trusted to make them feel safe. 

Likewise, I've started not to care if they don't want to smile or pose for a made-up moment to capture on camera.  When they spend time with us, friends or family there will be plenty of candid moments of them and I do not want to get hung up on getting the "perfect" photo by bribing them or anything like that.  

Who is a perfectly posed photo of my kid for anyway? 

If the photo is for me, I do not want to look at the photo and think of the lollipop bribe that I had to give to get them to smile.  I want to remember that my kids were living in the moment and just being kids - innocent, wild, curious and full of joy.  If the photo is for others (i.e. social media), I definitely need to reevaluate my priorities.  

It is not my job to create good photos, it is my job to create good people.             

Maybe she was smiling here, who knows. 

So they may not show off what they know, and they might not smile perfectly in every photo and you know what, that is just fine by me.  

The joy of knowing who they are and what they are capable of will be seen without prompting by people who spend time with them.

Bottom line: 

I care more about my kids than what people think about my kids. 

Maybe I'll feel differently about this later, but for now, this is what I have been chewing on,
D&H   

P.S. I value teaching kids manners, including the good breeding to be able to introduce themselves and converse with anyone, but I think that is a separate issue.

DIY Dresser Makeover: Tricks with Chalk Paint & Wood Trim

We had fun turning this chest into a sweet little dresser for our toddler.

 Before

After

To give the chest more of a country look, we found a wood bead trim similar to this one and these accent moulds.  D added the trim around the doors and mouldings to the top and bottom.

 

 Adding the Moulding

Initially I painted the mouldings black, then I used leftover paint from her room to create the chalk paint for the inside and outside of the dresser by mixing a 3-1-1 ratio of paint, water and Plaster of Paris.  Then I gently sanded the edges of the legs, corners and mouldings so the dresser didn't look brand new.  I then used Minwax Finishing Wax to finish it off.

I added baskets to help her keep her clothes organized and it is just like having little drawers in there. 

This chest is special to me because it was given to me by my grandmother.  As an artist with a VERY particular sense of style, I am sure she would have opinions on what we did to this chest, but beyond a doubt she would absolutely LOVE that it is in her great-granddaughter's room getting used every day.

~D&H