Five Lessons Learned About Elder Care

A while back I had read somewhere about the sandwich generation, those of us who are raising kids while taking care of aging parents.  It is a uniquely challenging group to be a part of and if you are new to this group - welcome, grab some coffee...you're going to need it!  

Below is a list of five lessons we have learned about elder care while taking care of my mother-in-law.    

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1. Recognize the tug-of-war between their independence & safety. 
Most issues boil down to this simple (but not easy) battle. They want independence, you want them to be safe.  

Often just recognizing the battle you are dealing with makes it easier to navigate.  

2. Ask people that have done it. 
We are lucky to have several older friends who have or are caring for an aging relative.  Bouncing our questions and concerns off of them, everything from Medicare questions to tactics for dealing with memory issues, we have learned the most from people that have been through it.    

3. Delegate.
When the meals, appointment scheduling and transportation, basic necessities & social calendar rely on you, it can be daunting.  

We delegate in two ways, the first is just between me and my husband.  He is great with finances so he handles everything related to money while I handle the other tasks.  The second way we delegate is using hired services.  Below are a few notes on each.  

• Daily needs:  Prior to moving her up here we used the Visiting Angels to help take care of her daily needs, the cost was covered by a long-term health care insurance that she had, which for her ended up being well worth the cost of the insurance.  The angel turnover was very high at Visiting Angels, so we found that we had to make clear task lists for each day they were at the house and maintain good communication with the local office.  Although she lived with us for a while, she now lives on her own in a senior living apartment where they handle meals, laundry and an active social calendar, this change has been great for her (and me).  
• Transportation: Ride sharing services for the elderly have been the most cost effective way to go (literally) and some even provide door-to-door service (i.e. walk them into the doctor's office).  Some companies allow you to maintain a tab that can be paid monthly, other companies require cash on the spot.
• Financial:  My husband manages her finances due to her memory issues, he pays all of her bills and she uses a debit card that he can transfer money to (through the app on his phone) for any purchases she needs to make.  This gives all of us peace that her bills are paid, gives her the freedom to buy the extra things she wants while still knowing her finances are secure (sounds a little like the independence vs safety battle eh?).
• Know People, Make Sure They Know You:  Whether it is the pharmacist or the front desk at a doctor's office, it will come in handy to have rapport with the gatekeeper's for your loved one's health and safety.                                                                                                                                                 

4. Set boundaries by setting and sticking to a schedule.
We set aside a specific day for organizing her medicine and bringing over items she wanted/needed throughout the week.  We also have specific days where we do things as a family; this manages expectations & provides consistency (for the kiddos & grandparents).   

5. Have grace.
In a perfect world this wouldn't happen, or if it did there would be unlimited time, knowledge and resources to handle each situation as it arises.  Having grace towards your spouse, your aging family member and even yourself is crucial to not losing your mind.  

Everyone handles loss (yes, this is a form of loss) differently, so be gracious even when it isn't easy.
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I sincerely hope this list is helpful for you.  

Even on the worst days, we are all just doing our best. 
D&H